Alicia Chenaux started this train of thoughts asking why the guys in second life are (almost) always going after blinging bimbos with oiled skins, big boobs and short skirts. Answer seems to be easy, those guys are after quick cybersex, the version of it that relies more on pixels and animations than on exchange of ideas and phantasies. And so are bimbos with oiled skins. And they are communicating that message very well. But there is the rest of us, so where is the problem?
Problem is in the numbers. Alex Burgess did a nice mixture of guessing and statistics of Second Life user base. Start with number of regular users, then cut away those that you never meet due to the time zones. Then cut the species and sex you’re not interested in, then all that are not around your age, those that are into quick sex with bimbos, those that are not into any kind of virtual sex nor relationships….. you got the point. And you got that sad picture of a small pool you have to catch your pray from. And in that small pool you have to find somebody that you actually do like. Mutually! Well, good luck with that.
But, before you start sitting near that pond and losing your time, maybe we should do one not-so-pleasant-but-beneficial thing. Let’s be honest to ourselves. What do you really want?
If you tell that you want to meet person on the grid and translate that relationship in the meatspace, I’ll rest my case. But, please, be aware of those numbers Alex went through. And, please, be aware that these worlds differ. They differ a lot! I know that people meet via Internet and have great working relationships. I know it first hand. And I know that happens in second life as well. But those examples are sparkling in the night sky not because they are common, but because they are so rare. It takes more than a nice avatar, good chat and even luck to find yourself in such a story.
But I know most of you won’t tell they are after trans-world miraculous love story. So, what are you after? Intimacy, emotional cuddling, phantasy sharing, intelligent conversation, laugh? All of that probably. All of that in the right measure and each fading into the other. No flesh, just thoughts, words, ideas. Great! That is what this world offers, after all. All the rest are shiny pixels and prerecorded sounds. But I have another question to ask you.
Why are you not communicating your game as well as bimbos do? When was the last time you said it loud and clear what you want of your life? And how often you do that? Do you expect people around to guess what you want?
As a consequence we see trashing of those girls with big boobs like they are guilty because you don’t get your share of the pie. And we see trashing of boys because they cannot find their way into decyphering your wishes. But those girls have nothing to do with your life. They are living their own lives, having their own fun. And boys? Well, if we are talking about relationships based on intelligent conversation, you’re guilty of not making the first step just as they are.
So please, stop waiting and thinking what’s wrong. Learn from those bimbos, state your wishes and start living your dreams. In both lives!
Really interesting (and realistic) post. I presume we all (in both lifes) think we have "the right" to have a relationship. We don’t have the right… we just may have the luck.
Brilliant post! I think the way to have the relationship you want is to look within, be honest with yourself and then once you have met someone interesting speak your mind. If you are looking at the world and whining about how it is not giving you what you want you will be doomed to disappointment. Look inside yourself and find your happiness there.
Great post!
In my own life, all the times I’ve stressed about being alone I just got more miserable, or got into relationships that were bad for both parties involved.
And, every time I quit worrying and just tried to live my *own* life to the fullest, doing the things I liked, lo and behold some great person would come into my life, usually to stay :)
It’s a hard lesson, and some may disagree, but I really think people need to be able to live their own lives with joy and purpose before they can share them with others.
I totally agree with this, and this is in fact extremely timely as a friend has been going through relationship drama precisely bc she found out her LT relationship was outside of said puddle. ;)
If you look at it rationally and admit that you are looking for an SL relationship — that sharing and exchange of fantasies and so on — then perhaps that puddle is in fact larger, because there’s less point in eliminating whole groups of people. To the degree that even an oil-slicked bimbo or hormonally-enhanced boy could possibly be capable of decent conversation, they just might be Mr/Ms Right.
LOL. I just went to SL to get some pics, finished my post, got to World of SL to check how it looked, and noticed you had been doing the same thing.
I have to admit I like yours more than mine (but don’t tell anybody!). It is more direct, usefull and has less bobbies :-)
Btw, WordReference forums define cad as a pushy, bad-mannered rascal. I owed you the undesirable definition *winks*
Raul, yes, relationship and happiness are not right but luck, but also, that luck can be "pushed" by the way we behave and treat ourselves and other people. There is one thing I forced myself not to say in the post: finding and getting what we want is the matter of marketing. Yes, no matter how truth, it sounds ugly. :)
Chesnut and Argent, you two have given best advices one can have. Thanks for sharing.
Aenea, how do you know what will be in the next post when I just typed three sentences?
London, I wanna see your take on the subject despite the lack of boobies.
dande, I meaned mine was more shallow, and I liked yours because it was more direct and had less boobies.
All around this theme, the points that I liked more are Alexander about good guys being taken quickly, and yours about the need of comunicate your needs; I simply pointed that a good profile could help.
Great post as always :)
Alicia and I have had this conversation several times, and every time I get a bit uncomfortable because … well becaues I actually do get hit on. Well maybe “hit on” is strong, and I didn’t think it was a lot, but in speaking with my friends it turns out I do have people initiating conversations with me more often than they do. So if some of these theories are true, it could lead me to believe I project some type of image that at best screams available and interested or at worse screams sleezy LOL.
So my theory is to be approached you need to project approachability. As I’m often the one talking the most, and the one inviting others into the conversation, maybe it’s as simple as that.
I agree with Argent and CeNedra. First: don’t expect anything and it comes to you. Second: be approachable, talk to people: even when they are unsightly newbies there’s a human behind the screen!
My current SL partner was an absolute newbie when a (newbie) friend introduced him to me and vanished a few minutes later. Politely I continued the conversation and currently he’s even a close RL friend.
Another rather funny example: a new looking, but one year old avatar that recently appeared on my land and tried to make advances – you know *that* kind of guy (and yes, one of the next times he tp-ed in with a penis attached, lol). I’m possibly too polite to just neglect or ban people and started talking with him, also making VERY clear that I was not interested in SLex. I was silly enough to accept his friendship offer and have met him several times since. His flirting is getting less, and gradually I got to know a little of his interests besides SLex. I can imagine that he will be a good friend in time. (And I don’t bother what else he’s doing on the grid :P)
Maybe it’s just me being a bit crazy or naieve, but meanwhile I *do* have a friendslist filled with quite a number of nice and intelligent men ;-)
Cen, it is simple. If you want to be approached then you have to communicate approachability. And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean sleezy.
Zipp, thanks for promoting friendliness towards noobs. We were all Ruths long ago. :)