Living in the Metaverse
gonzo phenomenology of virtual worlds
I got an email from a friend yesterday. One of those that makes you worried in the first sentence: (you will understand that I changed her name with asterisks)
I realized I've got totally addicted. And not to the SL world overall but to a single person (and that's even worse). I know I am projecting all of my sweet illusions over her but I can't help myself.
No, this is not one of the lesbian love stories so common to the second life. Single person my friend is referring to is herself. Or better, her avatar. And it's not love in this case. Well, not in the usual sense of the word.
Actually, due to the latest events, I can assure you that ****** has a better social life than the human me. Of course, she is meant to be a much better person than I am. Well, looks like she succeeded a lot. She got incredibly popular! She is a part of me of course, part of that sweet incredible teen that lost itself long ago. Now, I have no fear to tell you that I am getting jealous of her.
We'll skip the next part and roll to the end of the letter:
But I need my balance back or either have to stop her.
Oh dear…..
and what do you think what I am writing about when I say that dK went to clubbing in the meatspace or that she is switching on and off with the human during the night? Luckily, I am not jealous of her. But that is the only bright spot.
BTW, there is an update I haven't wrote about: she logged-in in the meatspace at the very precious and delicate moment. She rezzed her mind right there out of nowhere. I (whoever that is supposed to be) kicked her out when she felt the urge to start talking naghty things. I understand that her sexual practice is based on words but that was really not the option at the given moment. Though, I must admit, being in bed and feeling it all through her is pleasurable. And different. And funny. Just to teach her not to talk details that are happening. I doubt that her describing of everything that is happening already would be understood by the other side of the event. If she is going to play in the meatspace, she'll have to learn to do that in the meatspace way.
You know, our avatars are maybe not the best of us, but certainly are the parts of us that we love very much. Some of those parts we were aware of, some we had to discover during our second lives. At least, that goes for those of us that were brave and/or crazy enough to go walking the path of deep immersion, fantasies, freeform roleplaying and experimenting with our own identities. I am not going to raise the question why our humans haven't developed our avatar's personalities in the meatspace. Sure some things that avatars do are not possible in the meatspace, but what we are talking here is something more essential and, therefore, available in the first life. Our humans can talk and act like our avatars do. Right? So? Why that avie is not going out in the meatspace then? Why every attempt to do so is considered revolution, provoking jealousy, fear, even rage of our friends? Ops, I told I am not going to raise that question.
However, what we missed to do years ago, to let that sweet incredible teen out from the depths of our crazyness, now can have the episode two. You know, like in movies, the sequel with "strikes back" in the title. Once it saw the light again, be it even the virtual light or the glow of our monitors, that beautiful part of us wants to go out again. To go partying, talking to people, creating things, even sunbathing. And whatever you have to say in your own defense, they have that right. While ago they were just one of the equal possibilities. They haven't developed just because of us, of our bad decisions. So there we are, watching them making an inner revolution, threatening us with the ugly words like schizophrenia.
So what one can do? Is it possible to bring back the balance or complete termination is the only way?
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17 Responses for "Going Schizo"
Great post. I suspect that the primary factors that prevent the integration of avatar and human personalities are one’s thought. You only have one brain. One mind. So that’s where the barrier is. Or so I reckon!
I do have just one brain but brain is a funny thing. It is not just one (possible) personality in it. We all have different sides of us. That’s what makes both meatspace and SL so beautiful.
Excellent article, dandellion! You touch, once again, the theme which is taboo, and one of the reasons that actually made me stick to Second Life — beyond “exploring the virtual world” I was quite more interested (selfishly so) to “explore the self”. After a while, of course, it was far more fascinating to explore “other selves” (ie. meet and talk to other people) and thus the journey became much more fascinating.
Your article deserves a much more thorough reply as an essay which I hope to address soon. Let’s just hope that the augmentationists with their “shizo” swearword don’t jump at us ;)
Schizophrenia, which plagues upwards of 1% of the population, is continuously mislabeled by people as having more than one personality. Please don’t advance this misnomer / false belief, as it is a crippling disease in its own right.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder
So what one can do? Is it possible to bring back the balance or complete termination is the only way?
My solution is to recognize that regardless of the level of similarity between human and AV, the two are living in different worlds, with different rules, around different people. The two will never be exactly the same.
Rather than human being jealous of AV, or AV of human (is this possible?), we just have to recognize that while there are some things we can learn from each other, there are other things about ourselves we should just be comfortable with.
About me expressing myself in FIrst Life, I definitely have my moments. For one, whenever I look at the Moon I have to pause for a minute and remember who and where I am.
dande:
nicely done. as with other addictions, it probably doesn’t matter what someone’s addicted to — that’s the least of it — but what void they’re trying to fill with it.
Peter Stindberg has in many aspects a better live than his player. He has no financial worries, he has a lot of good and close friends, he has little duties, he gets out more, does fascinating things and he gets more hugs in general and more sex in particular. He also can openly live a lot of things his player can not: his interest in fashion, or stereotypical female traits like empathy or gossiping.
Yet he is not a different person. His player has all this in him as well - otherwise Peter Stindberg could not have discovered or admitted to those. Some of the things Peter Stindberg does came as a surprise to his player, others asa relief.
Peter Stindberg has a positive effect on his player. His player learns a lot of things about himself, and is trying to pick the things he likes best, or needs most and to apply them to the players life.
And maybe in due course more sex might be among them…
Gwyn, exploring one’s self is in no way selfish. Beside the joy if discovering and gained knowledge and experience, it also benefits those around us. I am waiting for that essay. And please, don’t mind those that with their narrow understanding of augmentationsm will attach with schizo swearword. We always knew better.
Hiro, I am aware of the distinction. I’m sure I’ll write more about the subject.
Argent, I am sure that avatar can be jealous of the human. We, as you said, live in different worlds. Each one has some things that are not possible in the other.
Esteban, you touched to good point here. Sure that void is important not the object of addiction. But, unlike many other addictions, here we deal with a bit different concept. It is not that something is filling the void, it is that somebody’s second life is the expression of that void or better, something that was possible but not made real.
Peter, that is wjhat is important here. That we humans learn from us avatars. Nobody doubts that avatars learn lot from their humans, but vice versa is also the case (hopefully) and that learning is probably even more important.
“I doubt that her describing of everything that is happening already would be understood by the other side of the event. ” *laughs in relief* ah Zipp is not the only one doing that :)))
But now seriously: it would be stranger if we did NOT love our avatars, because they are an inherent part of us (who ever “us” are). And I think our human can learn a lot of the avatar’s experience. I disagree with Botgirl that our brain is the barrier for integration.To my opinion the brain is the connection, it’s a doorway. If human allows the avatar to open the door and come in, both lives will be more balanced.
Great post indeed, and like Gwyneth said, definitely worth a more thorough reply ;-)
Zipp, I am glad you told that. Goot to know I am not the only one :D
You mean letting avatar to open the door and come into meatspace, into human’s behaviour? I guess you are right, but I also guess you know that is not the easiest decision to make, let alone to make it happen.
Zippora, I agree with you. I guess I was a bit fuzzy in my initial comment. I meant to suggest only that all identities are physically rooted in the brain and share its resources, memory, cognitive ability, etc. It seems to me that identities are like clothing that is worn by one sentient being. So an individual’s avatar identity might usually put on a snarky skirt, a teasing top and sexy shoes, while the primary human identity is usually garbed in a shy shirt, panic-filled pants and frantic flip-flops. But since the entire wardrobe is in the sentient being’s mental closet, I believe it is possible to mix and match. It’s just a matter of doing the mental judo to find and unlock the doors.
I have a small image set that visualizes my conception of avatar identity: http://www.flickr.com/photos/24863216@N05/sets/72157604985253670/
Argent, I am sure that avatar can be jealous of the human. We, as you said, live in different worlds. Each one has some things that are not possible in the other.
I’ve been thinking about that, and you’re absolutely right. I envy my human’s time and resources, and the depth of feeling with which they are able to experience the world. So yes, there are some things I would like to have.
As for letting me into meatspace, it’s already happened to some degree. My human, a teetotaler to date, has started drinking cocktails on occasion, which is actually ok I think. If the guns and BDSM leak into the equation we’ll start worrying :P
I don’t think it’s a matter of decision…it just happens. I don’t know if it’s a blurring of the lines or not, though. I think of it more as sharing the same apartment with someone so long that you pick up each other’s mannerisms.
Dande, perhaps the most embarassing part is that avatar starts talking English, while human is doing her thing in the native language ;-)
Botgirl, your second comment explains very well what I meant to say (and btw I follow your blog closely) :) Human is actually picking some stuff from avatar’s wardrobe drawers lately - even literally, as it comes to way of dressing. But there are also more unconscious changes. It’s difficult to name them, but I can certainly feel them.
Maybe that’s all just a result of thinking about identity in general, which probably wouldn’t happen if one would not have a second personality in the metaverse.
Botgirl, you are right, no matter how many avatars are there (in different worlds), there is just one source for them. But, that source is capable of going in different directions. That is where all the fun starts. And yes, things get mixed with time. As Argent said, it is like sharing the apartment. Sometimes, it is picking manners, sometimes it is picking clothes :)
[...] Life lately, starting with my friend’s Dandellion’s thoughtful and entertaining blog post Going Schizo. At its core is the question how to handle the realisation that the personalities we evolve in the [...]
Previously, my avatar self was able to do all the things my RL self was afraid to do. Socially. Visually. She allowed me to extend myself, and my sense of self. She could be more outgoing. She could dress in clothing that I would never wear in RL. Like stiletto heels - I am far too practical in RL to wear them! She/we shopped and shopped so that she always looked perfect and beautiful. I have clothing I have never even unpacked. Time to call a halt to it. But we love to shop. Dilemma.
But now, I unexpectedly find her trapped by my own fears and shyness. She cannot act in situations where I need her to. She has absorbed my flaws. She is no longer a happy extension of all that I am and want to be. She is stuck in a muck of fear, and unable to approach strangers to talk to them, and to interview them, as needed by my SL job.
What to do? I am considering leaving SL altogether. I have let it consume me. I think about my SL life and self all the time, even when I am not in world. I spend more time reading and writing blogs, FLickr, etc related to SL, than I actually spend in SL. Somehow, she has been able to leave SL at will and has become my online presence across the Internet. It is disconcerting.
Who am I? Who is she? And I am so disappointed that some of my worst flaws have someone become part of her personality recently.
Princess Ivory
I know what you talking about when you say that avatar took all the internet presence, even when it has nothing to do with SL. I know that some people on the web believe there is actual human named dandellion Kimban. But I don’t find it disconcerting, it is one identity or the other, though it can be buggy to say “after all, I am a cartoon” to a group of designers :D
But it is very strange to have avatar acquiring “flaws” of the human. Usually, it goes the other way round. After a while, a human accepts avatar’s bright sides. I am just guessing, but maybe what is happening to you is because you got connected to your other self more firmly. On one hand human personality will alway s be stronger, on the other, that connection is a great opportunity to overcome what you call “flaws” in both lives. What do you think?
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